I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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