We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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