tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
