I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
