I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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