peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
