I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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