When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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