Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
