she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
