so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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