My liver just broke up with me...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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