So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
the raccoons are back...
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