I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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