i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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