i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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