i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
