yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
