Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
