It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
