hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
