he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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