Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
