i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
