I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
