Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
