I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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