This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
