dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
