My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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