You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
