I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
