Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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