Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
