gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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