a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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