feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
