My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
