everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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