Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
