I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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