2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
