First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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