just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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