FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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