I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
