My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
