I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
