My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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