I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
