Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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