look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
