By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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