I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
