Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize